Crepuscular

A doom. A feeling of impending doom. Or death or something grave about to happen. That deep chasm inside me, not able to recognize if that is just present in my bodily consciousness or if that’s my soul. That dark chasm that feels endless and feels like all my innards are falling into it. It feels like another lifetime, all the light happiness, that naïve younger one who used to see everything at the surface level and assumed that that was all there is to see.

What is everything about? It feels as if there’s nothing ultimate about anything. Let’s just say you don’t want to do something that you’re required to do. Do not do it. What’s the worst that could happen? They’ll either be disappointed or offended. They might convey it to you. So what? We would not care about it anyway and they can’t do jack about it.

The feeling of not feeling anything is overwhelming. It triggers you. To do something. Anything at all, to feel something. Maybe happiness, maybe anger, maybe love, and maybe just maybe pain. That’s how it starts, aching to feel something physically when your mind is screaming on top of its lungs or so quiet that you feel you’re going insane. The pain draws your body’s attention to it and maybe that pain feels a little good because that is all you have felt in a long, long time.

Sometimes it’s easy to forget yourself among others and laugh about a virtual, abstract situation. It’s been years since feeling that self-worth which tells a person, you deserve this happiness, you deserve the best. It’s been years since…

                         

(the picture is borrowed)